David Lloyd Funerals answers questions about dealing with grief, loss

Coping With Grief

Introduction
Children and grief
Adjusting to loss
What to say to someone in grief
Grief support services

The most common reactions to learning of the death of someone you love is to go into shock or to try to deny it. These are natural reactions. Understanding this won’t necessarily lessen the pain, but it can help you survive such a distressing time.

Usually we aren’t taught how to prepare for the death of someone close to us and yet grief is one of the strongest emotions we’ll ever have to bear. There is no easy way around grief. It is not well understood in our society and there will be big and small adjustments in your life.

You will change. Your routine will change. Your moods will change. All of this is called ‘grief’. It is really about adapting to the changes in your life, your thoughts, your hopes, your beliefs and your future.

There is no set pattern to follow when you are grieving. Even members of the one family mourning the loss of the same person will show their grief in different ways or will begin to recover from grief at different times. Understanding that grief is an intensely personal experience for all involved can help you to understand your own actions and emotions as well as those of others.

Things that can affect individual’s grief include:

Personality and how you cope with stress
Communication skills
The relationship you had with the person
The circumstances under which the death occurred
The support you have around you.

Some common grief reactions include:

Crying (I can’t cry or will I ever stop crying)
Anger (It’s not fair)
Relief (I’m glad the suffering is over)
Shock (I can’t take it in)
Numbness (My body seems to be on ‘auto pilot’)
Guilt (If only I could turn the clock back)
Frustration (Why don’t people understand me)
Panic (How will I cope)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Fear (What if I can’t cope)
Low Energy (I’m too tired)
Confusion (I can’t think straight)
Rejection (How could they do this to me)
Emptiness (I feel like something is always missing).

Children & Grief

Grief also affects children. Like adults, children will react to the news of death individually, perhaps with unexpected responses. The child may lash out physically or verbally; wanting to be left alone. Being curious and full of questions may be more common for some children than sadness.

Importantly, adults should not hide their own tears from children of any age - your grief will show them that they need not be ashamed or scared to express their own. If children don’t have good role models in the process of grieving they may learn unhelpful ways of coping with grief such as masking their true feelings or believing that they must bear their hurt, confusion, questions, anger or fear silently.

Later, as the loss sinks in, some children may show their grief by changed behaviour, like angry outbursts or a lack of interest in their usual activities or schoolwork. Fears may surface - “Who’s going to look after us now?” “Will we have to move house?” “I’m afraid to go to sleep.” “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

Children are best helped by adults who give them clear and honest explanations about death and who allow tears or other feelings to surface without criticism or rejection.

Saying to a young child “We lost Grandma in the night” or “Daddy has gone to heaven” can be vague and confusing. These explanations can link death with a simple going away and can leave children with an expectation that at some future time the person will return.

Often cuddles, hugs and some quiet time together will satisfy a child who is feeling frightened or unsure about the changes happening in the family.

Teenagers can be particularly vulnerable when a school friend or family member dies because their grief may become complicated by the usual ups and downs associated with adolescence. Their need to appear ‘grown up’ in front of their peers, or their family, can result in isolation and difficulty in asking for help or expressing feelings.

Adjusting to Loss

Expressing grief is universal but, depending on the person and their beliefs, circumstances and culture, it is expressed in different ways. Grief is not a sign of weakness or poor coping skills, it is a healthy normal part of the healing process.
It might seem unbelievable now, but most people learn to readjust to their loss. You can do this too. This doesn’t mean that your grief will be ‘cured’ or that you should forget the person who has died. Even in years to come there might be occasions when you will still feel sad.

What is probably the difference when you have moved through grief, is that your energy for living will eventually return. Life will be different, but that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate it again.

It is best not to put a time frame on the whole experience of grief. This creates unrealistic expectations and doesn’t allow for individual differences. You need to deal with your grief and face any changes in your life. To do that you may need to:

Talk about it (it will help let it sink in)
Look after yourself (eat, drink, sleep, get fresh air and try to avoid alcohol and sedatives)
Ask for help (don’t think you have to cope on your own)
Understand your friends (friends can be impatient so tell them what you feel and share your grief)
Be aware of advice givers (don’t allow people to entice you into replacing or avoiding your grief - e.g. going on holidays or buying a car)
Be prepared for ups and downs (memories sparked by birthdays, anniversaries etc can bring you down. You need to find a way to remember the person that brings you comfort- e.g. visiting the cemetery)
Accept loss as a part of life (If you love someone you must also be willing to let them go when their life ends).

Our staff do not claim to be grief experts, but we do keep updated with what the experts say and help people everyday to come to terms with loss and grief. We have a collection of resources and materials and can provide these to you free of charge.

Further, in our local community there are many organisations providing support for the bereaved and we can refer you to them should you wish - it’s important for grieving people to know that sometimes they need more help and support than their family or friends can provide.

What to say to a grieving person

It’s often hard to know just what to say when you know someone who’s grieving.
The first step is not to think you have to say some words to cheer them up – it’s perfectly normal and natural for grieving people to feel sad, angry, numb, scared, lonely or down in the dumps.

Saying something like, “I’m sorry” is simple but can mean so much to someone who is grieving. They often just need someone to talk to, someone who’ll let them share their feelings and their memories.

DO allow the person to cry and show how they feel – grief is for men and women, boys and girls, young and old.
DON’T say “be brave” or “be strong” – this encourages grieving people to bottle up their feelings.
DO talk about the person who’s died – say their name and be willing to hear about the circumstances of the death – this all helps the reality of the loss to sink in which is an important part of grieving.
DON’T say, “I know how you feel” – we can never feel another’s inner feelings, or fully know all the things that are part of someone else’s grief.
DO offer practical help – buy groceries, mind children, mow lawns, do the ironing, cook meals – not just in the days straight after the death but in the months to come when the real effect of the death is often being felt.
DON’T forget special days like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas – these can be very lonely when someone special has died. A card or phone call on a day like this could be very special.

Grief support services

Your local David Lloyd Funerals has an extensive resource library on grief and bereavement which is made available to the community at no cost.

There are also many local community organisations that will provide support, as well as some larger well known organisations that work throughout Australia. These include-

Lifeline (all states) : 13 11 14
The Salvation Army Counselling Service (all states)
Sydney: (02) 9331 6000
Brisbane: 1300 363 622
Sunshine Coast: (07) 5441 5588
South Australia: (08) 8445 2044
Kids' Helpline (all states) 1800 551 800
Grief Support (NSW) (02) 9489 6644
Care Ring (VIC) 13 61 691
Community Services Departments of all state governments

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